Can't stand still, but going forward through the fire...? Not so fun.

Butterflies need the pressure and stress of breaking out of their chrysalides to make their wings fill out and dry.

Gold, silver, and other precious metals need high temperatures to burn out the dross and make them pure enough to use (and be pretty).

Stones and gems require polishing--with tiny bits of grit!--and cutting--with sharp implements!--to show off their brilliance and beauty and make them sparkle.

Trees need to move and sway in the wind to build up root strength. A tree guyed-and-staked too long will fall over much too easily once released.

Muscles grow from work and strain.

But, i am not a butterfly, a stone, gold, or a tree, although i do have muscles; those, however, get quite enough work typing papers and reports for work and moving a mouse around. (And doing dishes.) I am not spreading new wings; i'm not going to be used to conduct electricity or represent true love; i am not brilliant; i am not going to fall over in a storm (almost did twice, but i do think my feet are finally firmly planted again); and i'm pretty happy with my muscle tone, thank-you-very-much.

(Okay, okay, so i guess in some ways i could stretch spiritual analogy counter-arguments to all of those.)

I hate job applications. Filling out applications is the last thing my fingers need for exercise. And they sure do get my spirits down: what is my knowledge, skill, and ability? I mean, really? I dunno.

This is not a plea for help or fishing for compliments. I do know what i'm good at, mostly, and where i could use improvement (or should count myself out). But as a new professional, i really have no idea how i compare to the state of the field, and i have pitiful little job experience, and hate fishing for the magic words that some search engine is going to use to weed me out, and overall, feel quite grumpy after filling out screen after screen of information.

If only i could stand still and stay here. I just might be able to, and i just might, for once. But would that be taking the easy road? And shouldn't i go on being refined?

What will be left?

And am i exaggerating how hard this is? Yup. I'm having a little fit, and then i'll buckle down and finish them. Although, as Gary Paulsen says in Hatchet, self-pity isn't just wrong: it's pretty useless, too. After my little fit, i may feel a little better, but the applications still will be sitting there, staring at me, daring me to fill them out.

Ah, a dare works. I'll finish them, the little goads! Take that!

Workshops

I never really saw myself as a person who would go to conferences. It seems so grown up, somehow, yet here i am, at a hotel by myself in La Jolla, my clothes and ready to go at the crack of dawn. Then again, i'm not presenting at a conference or workshop. Maybe i'm not really all that grown up yet. :)

Although my room is facing away from the sea, i can hear the surf roaring. The faint salty-kelpy smell of the ocean is like a light perfume here too, not too strong, just enough for memories. I remember walking along the beach with my grandmother, finding shells and kelp, and remembering that distinct smell. It all feels so mysterious and lovely: wonder what this place will look like in the morning?

I should be writing a paper....

Or doing dishes, cleaning the bathroom, feeding Silly, emptying her litterbox, putting away clean clothes, tidying up my desk, updating my portfolio, dusting, mopping, washing walls, painting....

...or writing another paper. But instead (or maybe because i should be doing all those things) i'm thinking about the future instead.

One friend wants me to try thinking about a particular someone in that future, which makes me think, because i really don't know what i think of that idea. He's nice, but i fear i would drive him crazy. (As he's quite a mellow person, that's saying a lot.)

People ask me when i'll be done with this MLA program, and now that i've found out that my dream job actually exists, i of course want it, which may postpone graduating by half a year. (Alas, dream-fulfillment is temporary, of course.)

Other people ask me if i'm going back to Africa when i'm graduated, and i also don't know what i think of that. I'm not against it. I just don't know what i'd do--i mean, i can think of lots of things to do, but none of them really provide income, and getting there takes a nice chunk of change in itself.

So, i'm thinking. I know what i want to do in big-picture, life-motto terms. Finding someone to pay me to do it? That's another story!