fulfillment

Today was a bad day. The sun was shining brightly, the sky was clear and blue, it was warm enough that i could wear clothes that didn't go to my ankles...but i'm sure glad the day is over.

First bad thing: Overslept, so breakfast was in car instead of at kitchen table studying, putting me behind schedule with that classwork. Need to not oversleep even if sick.

Second bad thing: Dropped the back of a new earring while trying to put it in while driving to work. Note to self: stop doing two things at once while driving stick!

Third bad thing: I like my office job most times--but today was phone calls, phone calls, and more phone calls. I hate telephones (see entry #3). On top of that, i hate how receptionists change from a cheery welcoming tone to drab "go away and stop bothering me because you are worthless" voices when they discover that rather than a cash-bringing customer, you are a cash-taking vendor. I'm still human, and i'm bringing something they do need.

Fourth bad thing: I didn't get through half as much studying at lunch as i wanted to and i'm overall discouraged on that. Once Thursday is over the dice will be cast. Until then i'm stewing and studying.

Obvious* good thing: Found back of earring.

Fifth bad thing: On one of my calls, a man answered the phone as if i was his wife, because he thought it was his wife calling. Now, i would only do that if i had caller ID and KNEW it was my spouse; and even then, what if he (in my case) had lent his phone to someone? That's happened to friends of mine.This might have been a good amusing thing if phones didn't already make me nervous: it was terribly embarrassing. I'm not sure why--i don't know the man, he doesn't know me--but since i hate phones already, i really didn't want to pick up the handle and make another call after that!

Sixth bad thing: I parked under a tree. Birds were making a nest in the tree.

Seventh and worst bad thing: Yesterday i got an email from my alma matter. Today i read it. It had a link to the newly-launched newsletter of the history department. Do you know how many people in my class or younger now have prestigious PhD's and teaching positions at national recognized universities and measurable career milestones? And here i am, loathing history studies, applying to graduate school in a completely different field with slim hopes of getting in, rejected in a previous attempt at graduate school (for history, so maybe that wasn't so bad although still wince-worthy), having very little direction (because i'm pointing in several at once), and on my third career change.

People have told me: hey, you have had interesting experiences. Yes. That's true. But they don't get me anywhere. They don't add up to anything. I'd be happy if i was 90 years old and people said: "Hey, you've had interesting experiences!". Right now, at 28, i need a resumé instead of a conglomeration of miscellaneous adventures. I think i've found what i want to do until i retire (and probably after that too), but i'm not sure my curricula vitae hasn't messed up my chances of getting to do it.

I didn't have bad days like this in Cameroon. I had direction. I had purpose. I had sunshine all year 'round.

But i don't want to be teaching history to impressionable young people and i'm not yet qualified to teach anything else.

I believe that God is good all the time. I believe that despite my free will, His sovereignty means that wherever i am, that is His best for me at the moment. But i can't help feeling that His best right now is to teach me a lesson, only i can't figure out what that lesson is.

Sigh.

*I know my life relatively isn't that bad at all. I have food to eat, tidy clothes to wear, shelter, a relatively warm bed, clean water to drink, a pet, friends, family, freedom of worship, freedom to vote, lots of education, some sort of employment, and access to masses of information in my language. Add to that that i'm female and still have all the above, since most of the world's women do not. I'm not sure i agree with that psychology scale of needs though: right now i'm in desperate need of fulfillment and i'd go hungry, petless, cold, bed-less and clad in rags to have it.