culture is how you look

In Cameroon a modest woman, national or foreigner, doesn't boldly look unfamiliar men in the eye. To do so, at least in the city, invites more lewd comments than usual from the idle loafers in front of the road-side shops and bars, who spend their time playing checkers, discussing sports, & checking out girls.

In Cameroon, the route to school did not have a sidewalk, only a wide shoulder. It was paved but uneven, with all sorts of interesting bits of things on the road. Chickens and dogs crossed at leisure, and either began browsing (the chickens) or flopped down for a nap (the dogs).

Because of all this going on, and because i have a tendency to trip over nothing as it is, i usually kept my eyes down as i walked to school. Sometimes this was embarrassing, as when i would pass someone i knew well. They would catch my arm, i would look up startled, and then we would laugh and greet each other. Overall, i developed a tendency to either look down as i walked, or if i held my head high, look straight ahead and make little eye contact with men.

I come back to the States and discover i'm doing the same thing. I pass a kindly-looking older gentleman on the street walking to a mailbox, and i don't acknowledge him. I'm at Starbucks reading, look up for a breath, notice a man just walked in, and look away hoping he didn't notice what i just risked. Even at church, i avoided eye contact with men.

This poses several problems!

For one thing, i think Dallas Willard is right on target in Restoration of the Heart when he says the two ways humans hurt each other are through attack and withdrawal. He writes that drivers where he grew up used to acknowledge each other with a friendly fingers-off-the-steering-wheel wave, even to people they did not know. It was a simple, polite acknowledgment of the other's existence and human dignity. We don't really do that anymore in the general public.

I think our society (and world in general, it's not a particularly American flaw) suffers from both attack and withdrawal. I'm not talking about how personal/family relations are messed up here, but regarding strangers. People don't smile, wave, or even make eye contact. I feel like i've failed to be Christ-like when i don't. It feels almost as bad as when i do look up to smile and acknowledge passers-by, but they are looking down or straight ahead: ouch, rejection!

The other problem is that, ahem, i want to appear open and friendly. I want to meet new people and make new friends, men and women, and maybe have a few coffee dates with interesting guys. That isn't going to happen if i don't appear friendly!

So, i'm practicing. When at a stop light, sometimes i'll look over and acknowledge the other drivers. Instead of looking away, which might (or might not) be taken as a huff, i'm trying to smile. I know, no sane, sober man is going to roll down his window and ask for my number, but it's practice for when smiling does count.