...if it's not okay, it's not the end.

There's a saying--a warning, really--about MKs and how we take greetings such as "How are you?" literally and tell you how we're doing well, or not doing well, when all you wanted to hear was the standard "Fine." I usually try to remember that. I've been around someone who for two years also usually took that greeting literally; I don't think i ever heard that person say "Fine" or "Okay" in response, and i watched how people responded awkwardly to stories they didn't intend to hear.

In person, i can usually tell if they mean it. In person, i can answer in a way that lets them off the hook if it was just the standard greeting, or that lets them know i'd be happy to cry on someone's shoulder if their shoulder so happens to be available. It's harder to tell that in email.

And, being a forthright here's-how-i-am sort of person, i've never been a big fan of dissembling anyway. Not all news is for everyone, not everyone is privy to all depth, but sometimes i wonder why the mask? Then again, i kinda hate melancholy, impolite behavior excused with the label "authenticity"--i believe in manners and discretion--but if someone asks?

Anyway, i told someone this week in an email that i'm learning to live by the quote: "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." (They took it to mean things were really not okay right now, which prompted this blog post.) I saw it on a magnet with a bunch of other inspirational sayings; really, it was the only one i believed out of all the fluff. Someday everything really will be okay, more than okay; it will be Good. In the meantime, i'm trying to learn the balance between being crushed by circumstances (not good) and ignoring how things feel (also not good). Seeing good come out of things helps. For instance:

1. While i'm not technically laid off, i'm laid off for the winter season until March, or maybe April. This is scary: i have rent to pay, a cat to feed, and student loans coming due in a month, and not a lot of prospects.
--But, being laid off means i have a LOT of time to finish my thesis, which i couldn't accomplish when i came home bone weary, covered in dirt and ashes. And my body is tired; it's been nice to sleep past 5 a.m.

2. More than income, i realized how much my identity is wrapped up in my work. Theoretically, i think this is okay: people need something to do. Even in Eden, God gave us chores--make the rest of the earth a garden. Name the animals. But leaving a place i'd worked for over two years, work that i loved, and the people i've worked with, is hard.
--Then again, that has its good side too. I met a woman at a conference who was applying for one of the same jobs for which i was applying, and she said she celebrates each rejection letter with a margarita "because it means something better is out there". Martinis are more my thing, but i like the sentiment and the reminder. Something better is out there.

(I just want to know what it is right away!)

3. My maternal grandparents were moved into assisted living this past weekend. That's the end of an era. And it's been a little hard on my mom,
--although i think not too bad because it's a preemptive move rather than in response to a serious fall or something. And they have the money to afford a nice, friendly place, which is great.

4. My paternal grandmother had a stroke this past weekend. She's a strong-willed, fiesty, independent woman, and it's hard to face this reality. We're all hoping she doesn't do something reckless.

----

And with all that, Philippians has been the sermon topic for several weeks in church, and it's been perfect timing. And so is the truth of that quote: things will be okay in The End.

Thinking and hiking

I have all these thoughts while i'm hiking every day, and i think to myself: i should journal this, or blog this, or both (with edited versions online, of course!). And then i get home and i can't remember a thing.