Manna

Several somethings happened last week that made me despair for a tiny moment. And then i thought: well, whatever the circumstances, God cares about my character and spiritual formation more than merely circumstance-based happiness, so i should find the balance between disappointment and despair, and between being sad and being dismal to those around me.

That seemed to go okay.

And then i thought: y'know, this kinda marvelous thing that didn't work out, i'd seen it as a last-chance effort. When it didn't work, i thought, well, there's no way it could happen again. This morning though, i remembered manna. God made manna *every day* for almost 40 years for the wandering Israelites. He makes sunsets and sunrises day after day, and holds the universe together year after year, second after second. If he wants something to happen again, he can do it.

And if he doesn't--career, car, life-long love--well, then the poem excerpt below is where i want to make my soul-battle stand:

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights."
Habakkuk 3:17-19.

I've written my own little paraphrase of that, but i won't post it here lest it come across as pitiful. ;-)

Fake

I finally hit a red light at a particular intersection with a bus-stop today. An interesting poster is posted there and i'd wanted to read the grey-scale fine print for a while.

It said:

FAKE
Use steroids. Get caught. Become one.

I think the message misses the point. If you use steroids you are a fake whether you get caught or not. The difference being caught makes is that every one else now knows that you are a fake. Maybe this means we've fully made the transition from a guilt culture (not psychological burden guilt, but broke the law guilt) to a shame culture (it only counts if i get caught).

That's a sad place to be. For one thing, we don't have enough police to track down everything, and for another, i don't think any of us would want to live in such a police state. Who would catch the police, to keep them from being evil? The media? Right. That works so well now, doesn't it.

Yup. Much better to do what is right, even when no one is looking, and pay it forward.

Grrr to mere cosmetic changes

I'll be the first to admit that change is not my favorite thing to experience. I'll go new places and try new things, listen to new music, eat new foods, learn new languages, but when i'm in the mood to do it. Other days (at least half) i want what i know i like, in familiar places, where i know how long things will take.

Facebook is not one of my favorite things, although i do waste an inordinate amount of time there. This latest cosmetic change to rearrange the profile is annoying, the missing status bar is confusing (especially when the program itself used to figure out if you were posting a link or a status) and i can't see the point, other than to mix things up for change's sake. Well, what a about making a significant change to content, such as not rearranging our privacy settings every once in a while?

(Which reminds me, since they've changed the profiles, i'd better go check on my privacy settings again. I really am close to quitting.)

My anti-virus software also was updated recently to a new version. I can see a difference, but only visually. It works less efficiently. It wants to reboot every time it gets a definitions update. As far as i can tell, this is a cosmetic change and not a beneficial one.

And last but not least, the impetus to this rant, my word processing software program. When my old laptop died, i got Windows 7 on the new one. The new word was a little tricky to navigate, but fortunately, we'd had it at work for a while so my time learning how to use it was spent there and not while trying to finish my thesis. However, now my toolbars disappear. That means i have to click on them to get them to come back, which is an extra mouse move and click EVERY SINGLE TIME. That's a lot for a designer, or a thesis writer, who has to make a lot of tweaks to font sizes, font colors, line widths, and image placement. When i went to the help (also hard to find: who looks for a tiny blue question mark instead of "HELP"!?) to find out how to lock my toolbars down, this is what i found:

"Learning new things can be stressful, but if you follow the demos, training courses, and of course, some of the advice I dole out, you'll probably begin to see why we made such a radical change in the UI (and you'll be happy we did).....After spending some time using the "interactive command reference guides" (a fancy term for ROAD MAPS), I began to see the beauty of this new UI. See, the commands and features we think you use most are grouped together under tabs so that you don't have to go hunting through the old-style menus to find what you need." -The Crabby Office Lady Column

See, I don't want to spend time watching demos or taking (and paying for!) training courses to use something as simple as a word processor. 'You' apparently did not know which tools i used most. And lastly, this didn't solve any problems for experienced users: I knew where the toolbars were, i knew how to customize my toolbars too, and it didn't take me any time to find the tools...unlike now, thanks to the ever so helpful cosmetic changes.

GRRRRR.

I think i shall go make a squash for dinner.

...if it's not okay, it's not the end.

There's a saying--a warning, really--about MKs and how we take greetings such as "How are you?" literally and tell you how we're doing well, or not doing well, when all you wanted to hear was the standard "Fine." I usually try to remember that. I've been around someone who for two years also usually took that greeting literally; I don't think i ever heard that person say "Fine" or "Okay" in response, and i watched how people responded awkwardly to stories they didn't intend to hear.

In person, i can usually tell if they mean it. In person, i can answer in a way that lets them off the hook if it was just the standard greeting, or that lets them know i'd be happy to cry on someone's shoulder if their shoulder so happens to be available. It's harder to tell that in email.

And, being a forthright here's-how-i-am sort of person, i've never been a big fan of dissembling anyway. Not all news is for everyone, not everyone is privy to all depth, but sometimes i wonder why the mask? Then again, i kinda hate melancholy, impolite behavior excused with the label "authenticity"--i believe in manners and discretion--but if someone asks?

Anyway, i told someone this week in an email that i'm learning to live by the quote: "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." (They took it to mean things were really not okay right now, which prompted this blog post.) I saw it on a magnet with a bunch of other inspirational sayings; really, it was the only one i believed out of all the fluff. Someday everything really will be okay, more than okay; it will be Good. In the meantime, i'm trying to learn the balance between being crushed by circumstances (not good) and ignoring how things feel (also not good). Seeing good come out of things helps. For instance:

1. While i'm not technically laid off, i'm laid off for the winter season until March, or maybe April. This is scary: i have rent to pay, a cat to feed, and student loans coming due in a month, and not a lot of prospects.
--But, being laid off means i have a LOT of time to finish my thesis, which i couldn't accomplish when i came home bone weary, covered in dirt and ashes. And my body is tired; it's been nice to sleep past 5 a.m.

2. More than income, i realized how much my identity is wrapped up in my work. Theoretically, i think this is okay: people need something to do. Even in Eden, God gave us chores--make the rest of the earth a garden. Name the animals. But leaving a place i'd worked for over two years, work that i loved, and the people i've worked with, is hard.
--Then again, that has its good side too. I met a woman at a conference who was applying for one of the same jobs for which i was applying, and she said she celebrates each rejection letter with a margarita "because it means something better is out there". Martinis are more my thing, but i like the sentiment and the reminder. Something better is out there.

(I just want to know what it is right away!)

3. My maternal grandparents were moved into assisted living this past weekend. That's the end of an era. And it's been a little hard on my mom,
--although i think not too bad because it's a preemptive move rather than in response to a serious fall or something. And they have the money to afford a nice, friendly place, which is great.

4. My paternal grandmother had a stroke this past weekend. She's a strong-willed, fiesty, independent woman, and it's hard to face this reality. We're all hoping she doesn't do something reckless.

----

And with all that, Philippians has been the sermon topic for several weeks in church, and it's been perfect timing. And so is the truth of that quote: things will be okay in The End.

Thinking and hiking

I have all these thoughts while i'm hiking every day, and i think to myself: i should journal this, or blog this, or both (with edited versions online, of course!). And then i get home and i can't remember a thing.

Therapy is like Halloween

And i want all those gruesome lawn decoration skeletons back underground where they belong.

Washington, DC

It's my first time in Washington, D.C. First impressions:

I'm pleased to experience a transit system that is as easy to use as the ones in other capitals i've visited. :)

Things are a little shabbier than i expected. Somehow i had this expectation (from photographs and postcards, i guess) that the place looked immaculately maintained, like Disneyland. Instead, it's a normal city, just like London or Paris: people live here, sometimes the grass is worn, sometimes shrubbery dies. I guess, while initially disappointed, i'm glad it is Real and not extravagantly maintained. Grass should die in the summer during drought.

The White House is smaller than i thought.

The Washington Monument is crick-in-your-neck tall!

I enjoyed watching people of all sorts ride bicycles for pleasure and for commuting, and people playing frisbee and soccer in the parks along Constitution Avenue.

And i forgot my camera! My mega-pixel SLR camera! Arg!

I'll just have to come back. ;-)

Wyoming or Palm Springs? And do i even really have a choice?

This week i found out that my application made it through cyberspace to the deciding official regarding a job in Cody, Wyoming. I've googled Cody, WY, and it's an interesting place: near Yellowstone National Park. Population of about 10,000. A museum. A river. An airport. And winter. It's awfully far away from my friends, family, and community here. But I can make new friends, and keep in touch, and come back to visit...it's not as far away as Cameroon. I've looked up the office too, and it sounds like a neat place. I think i'd like the work and the environment.

Then i saw a job posting for Palm Springs. Much closer to home that is, with lovely architecture. I love the desert too. But it's blazing hot!

Either way, i don't have to choose yet: haven't been offered the Cody job, and haven't finished applying for the Palm Springs one. And both are moot unless i hurry up and finish this thesis. :)

Day 12: My hands hurt...

...and i need to buy more thick wool socks. Two pairs is not enough when they're soggy and full of grit at the end of each day. I need to update my eyeglass prescription, because i can't ID plants more than 30 or so feet away, even squinting. And buy more sunscreen.

This week of work was harder and less fun, work-wise. The novelty of hiking up relatively unexplored drainages has worn off. Maybe that's because this one is not unexplored: it's right along a highway, and there's all sorts of debris, like coffee cup lids, beer cans of various vintages, potato chip bags, and car parts, strewn along the width of the wash. The water is filled with green and red algae because of the lack of shade, and biting flies are everywhere. Although the sycamores are crown-sprouting nicely, it will be a good growing season or two before they shade the creek, reducing the algae and flies. And i didn't see any frogs this week. Seeing little Pacific tree frogs hopping into my vision is a refreshing mental break of undirected attention in the midst of peering for 100 species of weeds in various stages of growth amidst a zillion native chaparral species in their stages of growth.

Side note: how can people who enjoy being outdoors treat the outdoors so badly? Why do we find so much garbage outside when we're doing these surveys? Do you like picnicking amidst garbage? Put it in the Dumpster or pack a trash bag with you and take it home.

Thursday, i found myself in a patch (an infestation, really) of weeds near a creek confluence. My skin ached from too much sun (not enough sunscreen on Tuesday), my fingers had blisters that using gloves neither soothed nor prevented, my wrists and arms and legs and back ached, i realized i'd left a major part of my lunch in the fridge back home, i'd walked into one too many baby yuccas while looking at something else, my arm had an allergic rash developing (either to black sage or poodledog bush), a sharp rock had ripped another hole in the knees of my grubby jeans, and i was tired. Four hours of work and i'd pulled a lot of weeds but made hardly any mileage, and that wasn't even tackling the type-converters (invasive grasses and mustards that burn too frequently for chaparral to recover). I sat down and had a brief moment of self-pity, just wanting to call it a day and go home.

Then i thought: my friend Katie the botanist wouldn't quit. And i can make it through the afternoon, go home and wash my face, put lotion on my hands, and recover over the weekend. I need the money. The stream needs help. I want to do a good job. And i hate quitting.

So, yes, i am still enjoying it. The first week of work, i told my supervisor that maybe i'm certifiably nuts, but i love this job. (I was on an endorphin high from all the hiking the day before.) She asked how it was this week, and i told her i was tired, my body hurt, i was looking forward to sleeping this weekend, but yes, i am still happy. I know we're accomplishing something useful. I know that this work is essential for letting the native plants recover, even though this isn't weed eradication. We're reducing the weed seed bank. We're giving the native plants a chance to compete against invasive species that sprout earlier than they do. And come Monday, i'll be ready to get back out there, slather on the sunscreen five times a day, drink 4 litres of water and rehydration tea, get my hiking shoes muddy, and pull out more weeds.

New job: mapping (and sometimes removing) weeds

I have a new job for this summer: assisting the forest botanists with mapping and removing invasive plants in the Station Fire burn area. It isn't glamorous (and neither am i at the end of the work day!) but it's got to be done. And, while it isn't a permanent job, i'm very happy to be employed doing something useful, and being in the same place as my former job.

Monday was my first official day of not being a landscape architect and being a bio tech instead. Katie and i hiked for almost 12 hours down one drainage and up another looking for weeds near Mt. Gleason and the Pacific Crest Trail. We saw the usual suspects of bromes and cheat grass, various mustards, tree tobacco, dandelions...we also saw a garter snake, a rattle snake (we heard it before we saw it, oops), bear tracks, bear scat (thrice), a swarm of bees moving overhead, and a ringtail cat. It was a crazy long day but kinda fun after the fact, and definitely an adventure. The hiking was steep and crumbly, we crawled down more granite waterfalls than i care to count, we didn't get back to our truck until 10:30 p.m. and i've never been so happy to see an overside drain as i was as we hiked up a drainage to the road! I'm glad i've been bouldering, though, because it's helped my confidence, grip, and sense of balance as we clamber down and over the waterfalls. I can scout ahead sometimes to see if Katie can do it (she's tough, but she had knee surgery recently and needs to be more cautious than normal). Without being able to do that, we'd have to quit and retrace our steps each day.

Today wasn't such a good day. We found some terrible weeds in a stream: salt cedar, bull thistle, and arundo. And ivy, and vinca, and the invasive grasses, and tree tobacco, spanish broom, virginia creeper, eupatorium, and two kinds of mustard. Because we kept finding seedlings of the terrible three we had to look at the ground very closely, and that meant progress was slow. Oh well. We pulled up and took GPS points of what we found, and we have the rest of the summer to keep going. Thankfully there was no perennial pepperweed: i think we would have cried.

A lot of the weeds we're looking for are annual plants that sprout in spring, bloom in the summer, and that's when you find them. That's why we're looking during the summer (that, and the funding ends September 30). If there's a small group of them, sometimes we pull them out if they haven't set seeds yet (or if they've set seeds but they won't be scattered far-and-wide by pulling 'em up). Then we put then in heavy black plastic trash bags and haul them with us as we hike along the rest of the day. I find myself hoping things haven't set seed, because then we can just uproot them and leave them to decompose right there, returning the nutrients they stole from the sparse soil.

Why do this? Well, for a few reasons. Weeds aren't just a tree-hugger issue: in range and farm land they affect the value of a hay or food crop, and some can actually kill animals that eat them. Others suck a ton of water out of our streams (and my socks can testify to the fact that there is water in the San Gabriels). Less water is no good: some of your drinking water may come from these mountains. Weeds also burn more frequently than native vegetation, which is hardly a situation we need down here. More fires mean our air and water is more polluted. Plus, these invasive plants don't support wildlife. Foodwebs are important! My arms are covered with mosquito bites that attest to the fact that tadpoles and birds are useful creatures.

I'm one thirsty, hungry, grubby girl at the end of each day. :) I still have ashes under my fingernails from Monday, despite three showers and several passes with a fingernail brush. My shins are bruised from running into fallen trees while looking at the ground and from all the rock climbing. My hiking shoes are filthy. But boy, do i have an endorphin high from all that exercise! :) And did i say i'm super happy to have a job?

Almost the end of the chapter

Tonight is commencement for the College of Environmental Design at Cal Poly Pomona.

I'll be walking.

I can't believe this day is here!

Twenty books

Also from my facebook notes:

Twenty books you've read that will always stick with you. First twenty you can recall in no more than 15 minutes. (I cheated a little: I didn't think Harold and the Purple Crayon, or How High Is Up?, belonged here?)

1. everything Middleearth (Hobbit, Lord of the Rings, Silmarillion), Tolkien
2. Pied Piper, Nevil Shute
3. A Town Like Alice, Nevil Shute
4. The Hero and The Crown, Robin McKinley
5. Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen
6. The Bible
7. The Divine Conspiracy, Dallas Willard
8. Letters and Papers from Prison, Dietrich Bonhoeffer
9. Who is Man?, Abraham Heschel
10. Till We Have Faces, C.S. Lewis
11. Life Together, Dietrich Bonhoeffer
12. Lilith, George MacDonald
13. Unpopular Opinions, Dorothy Sayers
14. The Man Born to be King, Dorothy Sayers
15. Renovation of the Heart, Dallas Willard
16. An Inspector Calls, J.B. Priestley
17. Life of the Beloved, Henri Nouwen
18. The Sabbath, Abraham Heschel
19. Last Child in the Woods, Richard Louv
20. Silent Spring, Rachel Carson

Random answers

From my facebook notes, as i toy with the idea of deleting my profile: originally written July 23, 2009, with #1, 6, 44, & 45 updated for today. The rest haven't changed much.

I deleted the boring questions (Who won’t tag you back?) blah blah blah.

1. What time did you get up this morning? About 6:30 i woke up. Loud neighbors. :( I went back to sleep until 10:23.

2. How do you like your steak? Medium rare

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? WALL-E

4. What is your favorite TV show? none

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Mmmm, wherever I can be near a museum, a symphony, a big body of water, desert, and mountains all at once. Hey! I'm here!

6. What did you have for breakfast? Trader Joe's O's and a glass of apple juice.

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Fusion

8. What foods do you dislike? Lima beans, cilantro, and most tomatoes

9. Favorite Place to Eat? Zelo’s Pizza in Monrovia, and Alicia’s in Brea. Rutabagorz in Fullerton is pretty good too. Um, and Claro's Italian Deli in La Habra & Arcadia.

10. Favorite dressing? Homemade vinaigrette

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? ’97 VW Jetta

12. What are your favorite clothes? Jeans and a fitted T, or a skirt and a fitted T. And flip flops, if I can get away with them.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Thailand, Australia, Iceland, Sweden, Spain, and Patagonia...don't get me started!

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? That depends on the day…maybe on the hour?

15. Where would you want to retire? Somewhere where I can have a big yard and garden.

16. Favorite time of day? Early morning, on the rare occasions I get up then; around dusk other times. High noon if i can take a nap.

17. Where were you born? Pennsylvania

18. What is your favorite sport to watch? Um, soccer? But it’s hardly a favorite.

22. Bird watcher? YUP!

23. Are you a morning person or a night person? Night. Well, mostly a night person. Give me 30 minutes and food, and you won’t know that I’m not a morning person.

24. Do you have any pets? Kind of—a parrot. He lives with my parents though.

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? Nope.

26. What did you want to be when you were little? I don’t remember.

27. What is your best childhood memory? This may sound silly, but dyeing Queen Anne's lace was pretty fun, as was learning to make a quilt with my mom, and rescuing earth worms from drowning when it rained in Cameroon. We took them out of the road/gullies and put them in the garden.

28. Are you a cat or dog person? Neither. Both.

29. Are you married? Nope.

30. Always wear your seat belt? Yes.

31. Been in a car accident? Little ones. My favorite was a rock flying through the van windshield in Cameroon.

32. Any pet peeves? Yup. Chewing with mouth open, noisy neighbors at dark hours of the day, and people who knock incessantly. If they heard you, they’re coming; and if they aren’t home, no amount of knocking at 6 a.m. is going to open that door.

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings? Mushrooms and black olives.

34. Favorite Flower? Lisianthus, epiphyllums, mallows, and a certain pink rose. I like blue-eyed grass and forsythia a lot too.

35. Favorite ice cream? Ben & Jerry’s Strawberry Cheesecake, although Chocolate Sorbet (via Trader Joe’s) is pretty yummy too.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant? In n Out? And Subway.

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test? I didn’t. But I practiced for two years.

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Um, I wouldn’t?

40. Do anything spontaneous lately? Spent the night on a friend’s couch after working late. It was so nice to be asleep by the time I’d have gotten to my apartment, and to be closer to work the next morning! That isn't terribly adventurous, I know...I *am* fighting the urge to cross an ocean, though.

41. Like your job? Most definitely, even though sometimes it makes me cry with frustration.

42. Broccoli? Yes, I even crave it sometimes.

43. What was your favorite vacation? A week in England, wandering around half by myself and half meeting up with friends.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with? My friend Cara, after a nap, after we were in another friend's wedding. I didn't have the energy to do anything except sit and have a server bring food to the table.

45. What are you listening to right now? The dryer at my parent’s house, my parrot clicking at me, and my hard-drive as the daily virus-scan turns on.

46. What is your favorite color? Blue, green, and yellow.

47. How many tattoos do you have? None, and never will. For one thing, I don’t like needles AT ALL.

50. Coffee Drinker? Sometimes, as with cheesecake, but always decaf. My heart doesn’t like the leaded stuff.

Silver linings

My pilot brother has a quote on one of his pilot t-shirts that the silver lining in the could may be another plane coming toward you. ;-)

That said, things are better. I don't have a job offer, but i feel more at peace.

Dirt

I am processing shock; and while hoping for vindication, also praying that i live a life that doesn't cause someone to cry out for vindication against me.

Last night, i thought that i see a point to feeling better after sitting on the ground and pouring ashes or dust on my head. I really do. And keening.

But after that's all done, the fact remains that the situation is unchanged. Or rather, the situation is unchanged but i'm now covered in dust and ashes, with nothing but dirt in my hands.

Maybe dirt can become soil. Maybe something good (better even) will come out of this--of course that could be. And really, I'm really not that bad off. I'm not sitting in dirt and ashes. It's an answer to a question i've been asking for months and months, although not the delivery i hoped for. And it's that--it's the sense of being wronged that stings vehemently, and that whispers lies about value and worth that i'm fighting to ignore.

And so: may i live a life that doesn't cause someone to cry out for vindication against me. May i welcome the crisis, because "there is no crisis that comes to us without a gift in its hands".

Riding my bicycle

Do one thing every day that scares you.
- Eleanor Roosevelt -

I have a bicycle. I live in Uptown Whittier, which, being an older city, should be livable sans automobile. And it is, mostly: There are nice sidewalks and most of them have large lovely shade trees; the shops have interesting window displays and face the street; i feel safe, even after dark. So, i walk to Starbucks or the Post Office at least once a week. I walk to my hair stylist. I've walked to get ice cream with my brother.

But i want to do more. Cars put out more pollutants in the first few miles than they do once their engines and exhaust mechanisms warm up, and most people have many trips within just a few miles. For instance, there are two grocery stores within 2 miles of my apartment.

Usually, that doesn't matter, because i stop at Trader Joe's on my way home from work. It's en route, you see, and i have an insulated grocery bag for anything that may need to stay cold. Or, i stop at Trader Joe's on the way home from my parents' or from church. (Mmm, Trader Joe's. Yes, you see a theme here.) But my local Trader Joe's is more than walking distance--about four miles! I don't have time for that, even if it isn't physically a problem. I've been looking for a more economical and environmental way to get grocery things when i need one or two things asap.

So, today, i put on my sneakers, took down one of my cloth grocery bags off its peg, and took my wallet out of my purse. I put all that stuff in the basket on my bicycle, and wheeled it out of the carriage shed. I held the handle bars and gave it a good look. It's white, lavender, and purple--NOT a color scheme i would choose, but the shop gave me a good deal on it because it was last year's model. (I swallowed my pride and got purple instead of blue or green, which were my first choices.) :) Then i sighed.

See, i hate riding bicycles. I don't know why: did i have some traumatic experience with them that i've buried in my subconscious, like skinning my knees one too many times or something? Oh wait, that's not in my subconscious: i DID skin my knees riding bikes. Went through several pairs of jeans, as i recall, in 6th grade and 10th grade. I loved riding around the parking lot in Anaheim where we lived for 2 1/2 years, but i hated falling off all the time, and the idea of riding in public, on sidewalks with driveways and bumps and changes in slope, scares me to death. And trying to avoid moving cars, or people stepping out in front of me, or trees...

Ever read Calvin and Hobbes? I feel the same way Calvin does about bicycles.

But i rode mine today, 1 1/2 miles each way, to the grocery store That Is Not Trader Joe's. (There are no bike racks at this grocery store! What's up with that?) It's downhill all the way there, which means....Anyway, it was blissfully uneventful. I managed to stop at all the red lights and stop signs and not fall over when i rested one foot on the curb. I didn't hit any parked cars, nor did any reversing cars hit me. Trees stayed put. No one swooped madly into the bike lane, and one car who did want to make a right turn nicely signaled and moved over ahead of me.

All in all, a good trip. The wind in my hair felt good, as did the spring sunshine. It was good exercise to ride uphill home. The tires made a pleasant whir-whir-whir sound against the asphalt.

I don't know how soon i'll do it again though!

Can't stand still, but going forward through the fire...? Not so fun.

Butterflies need the pressure and stress of breaking out of their chrysalides to make their wings fill out and dry.

Gold, silver, and other precious metals need high temperatures to burn out the dross and make them pure enough to use (and be pretty).

Stones and gems require polishing--with tiny bits of grit!--and cutting--with sharp implements!--to show off their brilliance and beauty and make them sparkle.

Trees need to move and sway in the wind to build up root strength. A tree guyed-and-staked too long will fall over much too easily once released.

Muscles grow from work and strain.

But, i am not a butterfly, a stone, gold, or a tree, although i do have muscles; those, however, get quite enough work typing papers and reports for work and moving a mouse around. (And doing dishes.) I am not spreading new wings; i'm not going to be used to conduct electricity or represent true love; i am not brilliant; i am not going to fall over in a storm (almost did twice, but i do think my feet are finally firmly planted again); and i'm pretty happy with my muscle tone, thank-you-very-much.

(Okay, okay, so i guess in some ways i could stretch spiritual analogy counter-arguments to all of those.)

I hate job applications. Filling out applications is the last thing my fingers need for exercise. And they sure do get my spirits down: what is my knowledge, skill, and ability? I mean, really? I dunno.

This is not a plea for help or fishing for compliments. I do know what i'm good at, mostly, and where i could use improvement (or should count myself out). But as a new professional, i really have no idea how i compare to the state of the field, and i have pitiful little job experience, and hate fishing for the magic words that some search engine is going to use to weed me out, and overall, feel quite grumpy after filling out screen after screen of information.

If only i could stand still and stay here. I just might be able to, and i just might, for once. But would that be taking the easy road? And shouldn't i go on being refined?

What will be left?

And am i exaggerating how hard this is? Yup. I'm having a little fit, and then i'll buckle down and finish them. Although, as Gary Paulsen says in Hatchet, self-pity isn't just wrong: it's pretty useless, too. After my little fit, i may feel a little better, but the applications still will be sitting there, staring at me, daring me to fill them out.

Ah, a dare works. I'll finish them, the little goads! Take that!

Workshops

I never really saw myself as a person who would go to conferences. It seems so grown up, somehow, yet here i am, at a hotel by myself in La Jolla, my clothes and ready to go at the crack of dawn. Then again, i'm not presenting at a conference or workshop. Maybe i'm not really all that grown up yet. :)

Although my room is facing away from the sea, i can hear the surf roaring. The faint salty-kelpy smell of the ocean is like a light perfume here too, not too strong, just enough for memories. I remember walking along the beach with my grandmother, finding shells and kelp, and remembering that distinct smell. It all feels so mysterious and lovely: wonder what this place will look like in the morning?