At a loss for words (sort of)

To write or not to write...to write of the banal seems, well, banal; yet to write of the deep is too much self-disclosure. Nonetheless, here we go:

I am not often enough at a loss for words, but it has been a rough week. There's much more than circumstances inducing my misanthropy, but by the grace of God that was actually going better the past two days until today. Perhaps misanthropy isn't the right description: it's been more dismay and despair, with an unhealthy dose of disgust thrown in. At any rate, after a good conversation and prayer with my mom, it had toned down to mere dismay.

Driving home from work, a boy on the service street next to me rode his bicycle around a cul-de-sac. He wasn't straddling the bike--he had his hands on the handlebars and one foot on the seat. Where was the other foot? Up in the air behind him! :) It made me smile and laugh, and fortunately, since it was a red light, i made eye contact with him and gave him a thumbs up. His face glowed into a grin. It was a fun moment, and it again made me thankful for God's grace and His enabling me to think graciously of my fellow humans.

But in general, it's been a rough week in that category, and there have been a couple whammies this weekend. (I went over to my parents to borrow a shovel today, but when my dad opened the door, i said what i really needed was a hug and started crying.) People are fallen. We are silly, selfish, stupid, shameful, and well, sinful. Including me. I don't like that i can't change me, and i don't like that i can't really make a difference in small or large things around me. Only God can do that, and He, for reasons best known to Himself, lets us do silly and/or sinful things. We do not love Him with our whole hearts, and we certainly do not love our neighbors as ourselves.

"If you fall, fall forward", an old boss often said. (A friend said, "That's tripping." I think she's right. I trip a lot!) So, feeling dismayed because i'd been disgusted again (which is a symptom of being non-gracious, i think), i went looking for words to talk to God and found this prayer. It addresses to God's good and capable hands all the things that have flustered or dismayed me this week.

O God, you made us in your own image and redeemed us through Jesus your Son:
Look with compassion on the whole human family;
take away the arrogance and hatred which infects our hearts;
break down the walls that separate us;
unite us in bonds of love;
and work through our struggle and confusion to accomplish your purposes on earth;
that, in your good time,
all nations may serve you in harmony around your heavenly throne;
through Jesus Christ our Lord.
May it be so. May it be so in me.

"Prayers and Thanksgivings: Prayer #3". From The Book of Common Prayer. New York: Oxford University Press, 1990.