Good Lord, deliver me

From the cowardice that dare not face new truths,
From the laziness that is contented with half-truth,
From the arrogance that thinks it knows all truth,
Good Lord, deliver me.
- Kenyan prayer

It's been an interesting few months. At the moment, i'm feeling a bit like Judas. We tend to vilify him, but i bet Judas thought he was doing the right thing. (Not that his motivation absolves him.) Maybe he feared Jesus was really going to accept the acclaim of the people and be a puppet king to the Sanhedrin, and if Judas was a Zealot, well, he'd have thought it was better Jesus be dead. Or maybe he hoped to force Jesus' hand into striking down the Roman dogs with the power of the Almighty when they came to arrest him. Who knows? But i feel a bit like a traitor. Although i did what seemed wisest and best, and it still does seem wise and best, nonetheless it is unpleasant. I was in over my head. I still am.

I'm by no means going to go hang myself and spill my guts in a field.

On a related topic, honest it is: Last week i faced a weakness i didn't know i had. It was a good reminder to be humble: i'm susceptible. It was also a great reminder of God's graciousness in that He provides a way out of every temptation, a way that doesn't involve succumbing to it. The way out in this case meant not getting as close to the temptation as is technically allowed. Heck, allowed by almost any measure! But i can resist from here (and it's not running away). Get any closer though and i may not. I don't care to see how close i can get: the risk/reward is not worth it. [EDIT: I know, i know, "resist the devil" and "flee temptation". I backed up enough that it counts as fleeing; no temptation from this distance. ;-) ]

Is it legalism to say i'm going to stand back here, or is it self-preservation? Is it folly to think that i can resist something, or is it wisdom to recognize a weakness? And lastly, with permissible things, what about the laws of Nature? If i step into a busy street, i'll probably be hit. If i step off a building gravity still applies (with messy consequences!) and even Jesus didn't throw himself off the temple. Who am i to think those laws will not apply to me, even if breaking them isn't wrong in itself? I choose the sidewalk. I may still be hit by a car but that will not be my fall. I can handle that. Escaping the messiness and pain of life is not what i expect: causing a little less of it is.

The kingdom of heaven is not come, even when God's will is our law: it is come when God's will is our will. While God's will is our law, we are but a kind of noble slaves;
when his will is our will, we are free children.
- George MacDonald

I want to be like Jesus. I want to be like him because he called me to be, because he is worth it, and because if i really believe he was a good man and a good teacher (let alone God himself) it makes absolutely no sense to not do what he said. I want to be the kind of person who is transformed from the inside by his Spirit so that i can obey. I mess up, i fall, i am not perfect, i have no expectations of being so this side of heaven but i DO believe that Jesus is not a cruel task master who gave us harder rules than Moses did without any help to meet them! I think he means for us to be transformed so that we can be more like what he said. We're to be learning citizenship just like we would in a cross-cultural setting.

"Sin is the best news there is, the best news there could be in our predicament. Because with sin, there's a way out. There's the possibility of repentance. You can't repent of confusion or psychological flaws inflicted by your parents--you're stuck with them. But you can repent of sin. Sin and repentance are the only grounds for hope and joy....You can be born again."
- John Alexander

Amen.